Deciding to take a stand for something you believe in isn’t easy.

COURAGE TO TAKE A STAND — NO WIMPS ALLOWED

(Warning, I will get a bit philosophical today)
🙂

What does it mean to “take a stand”
against a burglar in your house?
against a bully at school?
against an abusive or arrogant authoritarian figure?
against a corrupt system?
against a change at school or work you find repulsive or counterproductive?

How do you take a stand and Think Like A Black Belt?

CHUCK NORRIS
Can you imagine any senior black belt shrinking back when attacked?
Can you see Chuck Norris bumbling his way through a bully’s intimidation?
Can you visualize Jet Li or Jackie Chan falling apart when faced with making a difficult decision or public statement?

When do you decide to get in the game, get dirty, and get something done despite opposition? What is the motivation between doing something or not?

I take action when I decide to take ownership, as I talked about in an earlier newsletter. I have to buy into taking a stab at improving the situation. If I don’t take the risk, my sense of personal honor and courage die a little for not employing them.

HONOR
Personal honor, for me as a senior black belt and long-time martial arts instructor, is when my personal integrity, my principles, and my standards are built into my character to the point that I will stand by them and exercise them despite opposition, doubts, or temptation.

When was the last time you made a stand for something you believed in instead of letting the situation go unanswered?

It’s tough to go against the flow, isn’t it? It seems easier to be the wallflower, the silent majority, or even the armchair quarterback.

But in the end, a person who Thinks Like A Black Belt must be able to look in the mirror and admire the integrity of the person looking back.

“The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.”

~Martin Luther King, Jr.

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Lori Hoeck

Photo: BlatantNews

Recently I mentioned a few gloom and doom articles on my family Facebook wall. I followed it all up with a rather negative assessment of the world situation.

In reply, one of my Facebook friends wrote in an exasperated tone:

“GOOD GRIEF.

“I feel like everyone is losing their minds, truly… What in the hell is everyone so scared of? [[[[FEAR, FEAR, FEAR, FEAR]]]] ……. :/ “

Here’s my reply:

“Awareness is not fear. Information is not fearful. An opinion is not fear-mongering. A book cannot create fear (so much so as to need banning). Fear is a choice, a response. Blaming others for [[[[FEAR, FEAR, FEAR, FEAR]]]] paints them into controllers of people’s emotional states and thus needing to be controlled for the welfare of all — never a good path to follow logically or socially.”

This back and forth reminded me of my earlier post on the boys in California who wore shirts with American Flags to school on Cinco de Mayo.

In both cases, one person or group is blamed for causing a negative emotional response in another person or group. By claiming the victim role and blaming others, we negate personal responsibility. When this happens, a power and control vacuum is created. Who will come in and save us? Who will make sure everyone plays nice? Who will make sure no feathers get ruffled?

This country was founded on several rights, one of which is free speech. It came with a citizenry who understood personal responsibility and could argue and debate with fervor. Writers of the freedoms deemed them important because up until that time in history, those in power controlled with a heavy hand and the arrogance of class superiority.

Once Americans had the right to speak their mind, specifically on politics and policies, power moved more into the hands of We The People. It was guarded for generations because citizens valued it enough to remain politically educated, alert, and self-controlled.

But now, it seems a talk radio host, a boy in a t-shirt, or a Tea Party sign carrier can threaten the stable fabric of our nation by inciting or causing others to act out.

If something I write or say has the power to control you, then two things — both destructive to a free society — must follow:

1) I will need to be controlled to prevent me from harming you.

2) You will need someone to watch over you because you can’t control yourself.

The result will be Big Brother “helping” us get along and a reduction in liberty.

Am I wrong?

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Lori Hoeck

Photo: surfstyle

The decision to learn emergency thinking skills and use self defense when necessary requires a mindset few are taught. Changing to a survival mindset isn’t easy.

First, people must come out of denial and never assume everything is safe or that today will just be like yesterday.

You must own your reality.

Second, people must make their body and mind ready to deal with danger or disaster.

You must own your preparedness.

Third, people must take responsibility for their lives and the lives they protect.

You must own your survival.

This type of ownership of ourselves is rare. Complacency, denial, and assuming others will take care of us is more the norm.

How do we move from wearing blinders to awareness and fully embracing our own personal safety?

1) Buy into it

Some of you will think:

“Well, Lori, the statistics say it’s unlikely anything will happen to me or my kids. I can’t think there’s a predator on every block, that’s just too paranoid. Besides, I live in Wyoming and nothing bad happens here except a blizzard now and again.”

It’s not about paranoia or self defense overkill. It’s taking wise, reasonable precautions. Hope for the best but prepare for the worse.

2) See the world with new eyes

Most problems can be avoided if we see them coming. We do this by being aware, honoring our intuition, and thinking with a self defense mindset. Just as the extra senses we use when driving in busy traffic become a habit, we can learn to keep an extra eye on our surroundings and pay more attention to patterns of behavior.

3) Self assessment

When you are training or teaching self defense everyday, your skill level operates at its peak. If people are not at this level, they may need reminders or cues to keep up awareness. Here are a few:

Car check — when going to or leaving your car, take 360-degree survey of your surroundings (without looking like that’s what you are doing).

What if — when you hear about a break-in, active shooter, or missing person, ask yourself what you would do if you had been the target.

Key up — each time you touch your car and house keys, use that moment to think about awareness, instead of habitually and blindly going through the motions of your day.

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Do work on your awareness skills?

Is self defense a big deal to you?

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Thank you for visiting!

For more information on building your awareness and pro-active self defense skills, download my free e-book here.

Lori Hoeck

Photo credit:  bark

Enough is enough.

From an article at msnbc website:

On any other day at Live Oak High School in Morgan Hill, Daniel Galli and his four friends would not even be noticed for wearing T-shirts with the American flag. But Cinco de Mayo is not any typical day especially on a campus with a large Mexican American student population.

Galli says he and his friends were sitting at a table during brunch break when the vice principal asked two of the boys to remove American flag bandannas that they wearing on their heads and for the others to turn their American flag T-shirts inside out. When they refused, the boys were ordered to go to the principal’s office…The boys said the administrators called their T-shirts “incendiary” that would lead to fights on campus.

So let me get this right:

1)  It’s important to label these five youths as troublemakers and run them out of the school so that what the school administrators obviously see as a violent-ridden, Mexican American student population doesn’t go crazy?

(Isn’t that a bit racist?)

2) It’s more important to let a presumed fear of mob mentality rule the day instead of addressing those who are thought to become violent?

(Isn’t that setting up more violence?)

If I follow this logic, this means it’s OK for large groups to push their will on others by creating a perception of violence if what they want isn’t given to them — in this case the ousting of kids wearing American flags.

This means those students the administrators thought might become violent are not responsible for their actions because it would have been all the fault of the five boys and their incendiary clothing?

So if a woman wearing a certain type of clothing goes into a parking lot and her amount of bare skin incites a rapist to rape her, it’s her fault?

And if I carry a purse into a bad neighborhood where gangs are known to live and I get attacked, it’s my fault for inciting them with my purse and the possibility of easy money?

And if Glenn Beck rants about Obama as a bad president and a sniper decides to try to kill Obama, it’s all Beck’s fault because the sniper was incited to do evil by someone else?

What?! Evil, violence, and criminal acts come from inside a person. The choice is theirs.

When blame is shifted away from the criminal or those threatening violence, it only incites them to feel more empowered, because, after all, it’s not really their fault, is it?

—

What are your thoughts?

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Photo credit: ayalon

Beyond the Self Defense Tweets:
Taken randomly from my self defense tweets on Twitter.  I write super-short blog posts to go Beyond the Tweet, chosen from the archives.

The Tweet:
Best, oldest & truest warning alarm and protector from bad guys — a good watchdog!

Beyond the Tweet:
This is our latest addition to the family.

Sure, she’ll take another hour or more a day to feed, walk, train, clean up after, and referee between her and the cats, but I was taught animal ownership is a privilege, not a hobby.

Plus, she can act as a four-legged alarm who will protect us with ferocity. Another bonus? Walking a dog can get you in shape!

—

Lori Hoeck

I tweet here @LoriHoeck.

Optical illusions play with what we see. Gaslighting plays with what we think is real.

As I explained in my last post, Gaslighting is the use of psychological and manipulative abuse or intimidation to make other people doubt themselves or their version of reality.

If the Gaslighting is done by a full-fledged narcissist or other well-practiced, toxic individual, then look out! They can play a verbal game that will leave your head spinning — unless you know their game.

Proficient Gaslighters work their way up to full alterations of reality. The following three examples would only work on someone who values the person talking and wants to please them and get their approval:

“Only my ideas are valid.”

“There is only one way — my way — to run this company. I tried other ways (insert a long-winded, well-rehearsed story that *proves* his reality)…I know you think you have the right angle on this, but I did it that way, and it never worked…You are too inexperienced to understand. I’m just trying to help you avoid looking like a fool. Plus, I will not let this company be hurt by your attempts to change it for the worse.”

“I’m not what they say I am.”

“Why of course I’m not like that — your family is all wrong. They just want to separate us and control you. Didn’t they tell you they can’t stand me? Besides, Honey, don’t I love you in all the right ways? Sure, I do a little meth, but lot’s of people do and that doesn’t mean I’m mean…I only struck you once when I was drunk and mad at our neighbors. You can’t blame me for than, besides you promised never to bring it up again. I love you so much I can’t stand it sometimes… No, I don’t think counseling will help. Those guys will put their nose in my business. You know I don’t like that. We will be fine just you and me, you’ll see.”

“Your efforts are never enough.”

Why didn’t you volunteer to come in this weekend and work on the convention booth preparations?…Don’t you know others are looking to you for leadership and when you bail on something this important you look bad? You don’t want others to think less of me, this company, or you, do you?…What kind of signal does it send that your staff will come in, but you won’t?…It doesn’t matter that you think they are OK with this. It’s about perception…Of course they’ll say it’s alright for you to go to you aunt’s funeral, but you know deep down inside you need to be here for your staff or you aren’t being a good leader. And you know, I value leadership when it comes to promotions.

Gaslighters can be relentless when they invest fully in a certain *reality* and when they are a powerful person, emotionally engaged with you, or have authority over you. One way to handle the person is to set boundaries. Some examples of general boundary setting are here.

Best strategies against this:

• Be aware that Gaslighting does exist and being on guard against it.  (Don’t think, “She’d never do that to me.”)
• Realize you do matter! Your opinion, your worth, your perspective, and your choices are not for someone else to dictate. People pleasing isn’t a virtue.
• Find other people who can give you a different view and listen to them. (If many people think your boyfriend is abusive, listen to them!)

If you have any specific ways a Gaslighter has tried to manipulate your reality, please leave them in the comment section so we can all know more about this subject!

UPDATE: You may also want to read this ezinearticle.com written by Trish Lambert, “Have You Been Gaslighted Lately?”

Want to know more? Take a look at
The Narcissist — A User’s Guide

Thank you for visiting!

I offer free information on the abusers and users known as narcissists here.

Lori Hoeck

Photo: D’Arcy Norman

One of the most diabolical emotional abuses is Gaslighting. Ever heard of it? I hadn’t heard it named until I read a comment by a reader named Deborah a few months back.

Gaslighting according to Wikipedia, “is a form of intimidation or psychological abuse in which false information is presented to the victim, making them doubt their own memory and perception.”

The term derives from the 1938 stage play Gas Light…The plot concerns a husband who attempts to drive his wife to insanity by manipulating small elements of their environment, and insisting that she is mistaken or misremembering when she points out these changes. The title stems from the husband’s subtle dimming of the house’s gas lights, which she accurately notices and which the husband insists she’s imagining. ~Wikipedia

A few years ago, I was explaining to a boss something a client had told me. As I spoke, he rolled his head and eyes in his best, “Oh, Lori,” put-down body language.

He insisted “You are just being too sensitive” and “You are being too defensive about all this.” He argued for his version of what happened even though I kept telling him, “You weren’t even there.” He implied he knew my reactions better than I and that I was wrong. Finally, he switched to his cold, angry voice and verbal intimidation. How dare I question him?

You may know someone who “corrects” your choices or viewpoints (“You don’t want to read that book. It’s nonsense.”) or who makes up stuff about you to others and then lies to your face about it (“You are mistaken. Why would you make something like that up?“) Perhaps they act like all’s well in the midst of a relationship difficulty (“Why are you always upset?”) or blame you for everything (“If you loved me you’d stop this line of questioning.“)

• You feel sabotaged but can’t explain it.
• You’re the one “needing” to apologize.
• You second guess yourself and feel a lot of draining confusion.
• You constantly feel like you have to prove yourself.
• You shoulder a lot of the blame in the relationship.
• Guilt follows you no matter what you do.
• It’s often implied you are inconsiderate, disrespectful, or too sensitive.
• You often defer to the other person’s take on a situation or matter.
• Life feels out of whack, but you can’t pinpoint the cause.
• As you think back, you remember being more carefree and confident.
• Lying seems easier to avoid drama or explanations.
• You feel you can’t defend yourself verbally or emotionally anymore.
• You find yourself accepting weird or bad behavior in the other person as normal.
• Confrontation with the other person has them offering a reasonable explanations and making you feel bad for questioning them.

Gaslighters feel so insecure, they are compelled to make you think they are right and get you to accept their version of reality, even if this shifts blame to you. Those on the receiving end often respect or admire this person and try to desperately seek their approval.

If you are in the middle of this kind of relationship, you are going to feel raw and drained. Please remember:

• You are valuable and no one has the right to tell you otherwise.
• You don’t have to prove yourself to anyone.
• Know you aren’t crazy. They are the crazy makers.
• Talk to healthier people about your value to them.
• Learn to recognize and let go of your need for approval from anyone.

I plan to write more about how to avoid and recognize Gaslighting. I’d love to have some ideas from readers. Please leave some thoughts about this in the comments!

My second post on this subject, “Gaslighting makes you question reality,” can be found by clicking here.

UPDATE: You may also want to read this ezinearticle.com written by Trish Lambert, “Have You Been Gaslighted Lately?”
—

Want to know more? Take a look at
The Narcissist — A User’s Guide

—

Thank you for visiting!

I offer free information on the abusers and users known as narcissists here.

Lori Hoeck

Photo: Lady-bug

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Beyond the Self Defense Tweets:
Taken randomly from my self defense tweets on Twitter.  I write super-short blog posts to go Beyond the Tweet, chosen from the archives.

The Tweet:

Learn to trust your gut about people & situations. Your Inner Warrior is as real as your Inner Child.

Beyond the Tweet:

In self defense, your subconscious mind picks up on something (uncomfortable or criminal) about a person. It then tries to make you aware, such as making you wonder if a furtive person wearing a heavy coat in the summer could be hiding a weapon.

Trust your survival self to bring up one or two danger clues to your conscious mind as it homes in on something your eyes might otherwise be missing. Sometimes that “sensing” can manifest as a feeling of discomfort or fear at the razor’s edge of our awareness. When you have that feeling, your Inner Warrior may be seeing something the conscious mind is not, such as:

✦ A weird tick in the other person’s eye

✦ The way he moves his shaking hands

✦ The odd bulges in their right boots

✦ The wary glance at a passing patrol car

✦ The smug, triumphant ghost of a smile sneaking across her face

✦ The way too convincing, smooth, or persuasive talk

✦How your date says “We are perfect soul mates”

✦How an overly helpful person seems to meet every need before you ask

✦How a smiling authority figure says his control over you is for your benefit

We don’t have to be paranoid or walk around overly anxious about these things. Relaxed awareness and honoring your intuitive side is a healthier way to go.

—

Lori Hoeck

I tweet here @LoriHoeck.

Photo: kaibara87

Self defense for kids isn’t always learning how to kick and punch. It’s also learning how to think, how to be aware, and how to keep a street-smart mindset.

But how do parents teach kids self defense in the middle of a hectic home and work life?

Why not make it a game?

The following set of activities tune your senses to avoiding danger by discovering how to better scan your environment. As you and your children do these (adapt them for your children’s varying ages), try to stay in code yellow. Take your time to do each activity at your own family’s pace over eight days or so. The more fun you make these activities for yourself or your children, the better they are remembered.

Day one – take a new look

Pull your mind away from the usual ways of eating, working, studying, shopping, and observing your environment. Instead, Think Like A Black Belt. In teaching  self defense for kids, get them thinking about changing their normal patterns to ones of curiosity and awareness:

✦As you take a new, fresh look, what do you notice differently?

✦ Slow your hectic pace and notice what you often take for granted.

✦ Take a second look at cashiers and other faces you often ignore. After you leave, try to recall the color of their hair and eyes. What were they wearing? Were they new or could you even tell?

✦ What is down that alley or hallway you always pass?

✦ Take new –but safe — ways home after work or school.

✦ Does your school or work place have a roof or basement you have never seen? Explore your world — safely and with permission if you are a child — as if for the first time.

Day two – see with new eyes

Try to look at your world through the eyes of another – through the eyes of a pet, criminal, movie producer, alien,  superhero, or an adult if you are a child, or child if you are an adult – anything to make you witness the world through a fresh set of eyes. Pretend you are an undercover FBI agent looking for the world’s most wanted criminal.

✦ How does the world look with these new eyes?

✦ Does anything new, odd, or surprising pop out?

✦ Does the change in perspective tell you anything about your usual view of the world?—

Day three – listen closely

Use your ears like never before. Listen to everything you can at home, work, and outside. Self defense for kids and adults includes using all the senses.

✦ Can you hear how sound vibrates and voices echo in a room as you or someone else moves around in it?

✦ Do you notice how someone standing in your bedroom doorway can affect the sounds filtering in from the rest of the house?

✦ How do machine noises, such as the washer or dryer, diminish your ability to hear what else is going on in ear shot?

✦ Could you hear a window being broken?

✦ How about the neighborhood — can your neighbors hear you if you were to yell for help? Could you hear them?—

Day four – see around corners

Pay attention to what you can and can’t see – notice reflections in car windows, glass doors, windows, and framed pictures.

✦ What metallic objects in your house reflect images? Even if they are distorted images, reflections reveal motion.

✦ What areas around your car can you see with mirrors? Where are the blind spots?

✦ How about areas outside your home – what can you see or not see from your windows, from the front door?—

Day five – have a nose for danger

Notice how scent enters and fades into the environment – could you smell a would-be attacker who is a heavy smoker hiding in your car’s back seat?

✦ Can you smell cooking odors around the house in differing levels?

✦ How does it smell different in your house or workplace with a window open?

✦ What does your workplace or school smell like?

✦ How quickly could you smell smoke if a fire erupted in the staff lounge microwave or in the school kitchen?

✦ Does a smell that greets you coming home through the front door let you know someone has fixed a snack?—

Day six – find escape routes

Look in your home and at school for possible escape routes in case of fire or attack.

✦ Where could you hide from an attacker?

✦ Where are the places of concealment (hiding) and cover (protected from weapon’s fire)?

✦ Also, remember where fire extinguishers and telephone land line are located.—

Day seven – note your outside environment

Take the time to look more closely at your neighborhood and the world outside your workplace or school.

✦ Are there people nearby you could make friends with or on whom you could call, in case of emergency?

✦ Where are the dead ends? How about the best places to run if attacked?

✦ Go look at night as well as in the daytime — how does your neighborhood change between morning and night?—

Day eight – put it all together

Let all your senses drift to other rooms while at school, work, and home. Try to guess what is going on by visualizing in your mind’s eye where different people are standing or sitting based on what your senses are saying along with the wisdom of your past experience.

✦ Can you picture how people are facing each other by how their voices sound or echo about the rooms?

✦ Does a sudden whiff of perfume or a familiar cough let you know a certain coworker has entered that other room?

✦ Can you recognize which of your family members is treading across the floor in the other room?—

Now that your senses and those of your children have been aired out and fine tuned, feel free to repeat these activities and to enhance them with your own special touch that will help your children learn self-defense thinking as a life style and mindset.

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Thank you for visiting!

Lori Hoeck

Photos:
“Batman”: Banjo Brown
“Rabbit Headed Kid”: di_the_huntress
Cat nose: psyberartist