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Ebook on narcissism is narcissist Kryptonite

narcissist_mockup1I took the verbal bitch slapping and emotional manipulations of a narcissist in a business setting for a number of years. I wanted to leave, but part of me said I would be a quitter if I did, so I stayed for months on end, hoping things would get better.

They never did.

Every attempt to set boundaries was met with disdain and anger. Every new suggestion was shot down or sabotaged. Every attempt to withdraw from the relationship created another firestorm of drama.

I felt powerless and used with no way out. I couldn’t separate his induced sense of guilt in me from my self image. Back then, I would have given anything to have a resource to explain what was going on and give me some answers.

I didn’t realize at the time a narcissist is like an emotional ninja. They appear normal in so many ways, but when it comes to controlling the relationship, they quickly rise to the top. Their greatest weapon is the ability to read your weaknesses and turn them against you without appearing to do so.

Until now, it’s been hard to find practical, actionable ways to see through their crazy-making ways and deal with them.

I’ve tried to write about them here at Think Like A Black Belt, but I always felt like I’d  just scratched the surface. Thankfully, one of my readers kept leaving awesome comments that showed me she understood the wily ways of narcissists, too.

After a few emails, Betsy Wuebker of PassingThru.com and I became collaborators on an ebook  The Narcissist: A User’s Guide. Energized by our passion for the subject, we tackled a host of topics in the ebook, including

  • What creates a narcissistic personality?
  • Why can involvement with a narcissist hurt you?
  • What are common indicators?
  • Questions you can ask someone to help determine if they are a narcissist.
  • Why are narcissists so hard to deal with?
  • Why are narcissists so effective at what they do?
  • What can I say to set a boundary with a narcissist?
  • Is the price of caving in worse?
  • Why does it seem narcissists crop up more than once?
  • Why do some people seem immune to narcissists?

In the “things just keep getting better” category, Betsy and I were blessed to have our ebook professionally designed by Deborah Dorchak of Sirius Graphix at no cost to us. Deb writes about this wonderful and serendipitous collaboration at the Sirius Graphix website. (And you must read her take on narcissists: “Sith Lords in the Real World.”)

I can tell you first hand, Sirius Graphix understands the meaning of collaboration. These four women started out by pooling their skills together and now they’ve continued that tradition by reaching out to others in the same way.

This ebook sparked the idea for their program called “Sirius Inspirations”. Once a month for this year, Sirius Graphix will choose an author who needs a boost to get their ebook out on the web and help them with everything from design to marketing.

The Sirius Ladies understand business, but more importantly, they understand people and how to make a client’s dream come alive.

Betsy says she started this project thinking it would be wonderful if it helped just one person. (Her side of this wonderful story is What Goes Around, Comes Around.)

We’ve already gone way past that with just our sneak peeks of the ebook to family, friends, and online colleagues.

Want to know more? Take a look at
The Narcissist — A User’s Guide

Here’s one person’s reaction after reading the ebook:

I had two narcissists in my life. The first one lasted 16 years, the second one 6 months. Seems I am learning to identify their existence in my life, and impact, faster. But, I sure wish I had the The Narcissist: A User’s Guide during these painful periods.

Recovering from the damage of these relationships was slow, and I thought I had wiped the last trace of their impact on my psyche clean away. But, when I read The Narcissist: A User’s Guide, each word leaped off the page at me and flooded me with relief.

It was like the Roberta Flack lyrics, “strumming my life with his finger,” only Betsy and Lori were strumming my life with their words. They confirmed that everything I experienced was very real. The damage to my psyche was very real. And the length of time it took to recover was very real.

I recommend The Narcissist: A User’s Guide to anyone who suspects they are dealing with a narcissist. You will learn, like me, that you are not crazy. And with this knowledge, you will gain the strength to untangle yourself from the Narcissist trap.

~Eliza Fayle of Silver and Grace

I eventually left the narcissist who’d run rough-shod over my life, talents, and emotions. A final sabotage by him at the deepest levels was the last straw. The peace and calm — translate: lack of drama — that now fills my life is priceless.

Thank you for visiting.
If you think others can benefit, please pass it on!

Lori Hoeck

Comments on this entry are closed.

  • David Wright/ Blogger Dad January 26, 2010, 8:00 am

    Great topic and one that a lot of people I know can use some help with in their lives. I look forward to seeing the ebook and likely directing some people that need help taking control of their lives towards this.

  • Cyndi January 26, 2010, 8:48 am

    How great that you put together what sounds like an incredible e-book and how generous that you are offering it for free. I can’t wait to read it!

  • Lori Hoeck January 26, 2010, 9:01 am

    Hi David,
    Thank you for visiting and commenting.

    I think many people’s eyes will pop open wide when they read it and realize why a relationship is driving them crazy.

    Hi Cyndi,
    Thank you, and I can’t wait for your feedback!

  • Betsy Wuebker January 26, 2010, 3:52 pm

    Hi Lori – This collaboration is a gift on so many levels: the gift of almost effortlessly putting the book together – the best things write themselves; the gift of getting to know a kindred spirit in you; the gift of talent from Sirius Design; the gift of positive reviews and supportive comments, like these; and the gift of being able to reach out a helping hand from the “been there done that” perspective. This has been an awesome experience, and I can’t wait for more. 🙂

  • Patricia Torguson January 26, 2010, 4:05 pm

    Just looking @ your information…
    Thank you..

  • Deb Dorchak January 26, 2010, 4:30 pm

    My dear Jedi sisters, this is an awesome experience. Enjoying it as much as you all.

  • Lori Hoeck January 26, 2010, 4:56 pm

    Hi Patricia,
    Glad you clicked that link to come visit my site. Thanks for stopping by.

    Hi Deb,
    Thank you for that great post on Sith Lords over at Life’s Little Inspirations. Really adds to the conversation.

    And again, can’t thank you enough for the awesome design!

  • Deb Dorchak January 26, 2010, 5:54 pm

    My (our) pleasure, Lori. This project gave me the same warm fuzzies I get when I watch Home Make Over: Extreme Edition. There’s really something to be said for just helping someone out.

  • CZBZ January 26, 2010, 10:38 pm

    I look forward to reading your collaborative book, Lori!

    Ever since a few good hearts lifted me up on my feet, I’ve felt a desire to give back, too. As women, we can help one another understand how to ‘spot narcissism’, how to know when it’s time to ‘give up’, and how to let go of the self-blame so many of us feel when the relationship falls apart.

    “O, the places we can go” once we eliminate the narcissists in our lives! Too many of us spend far too much of our lives in a ‘recovery’ or ‘healing’ process. If we can avoid getting ‘IN’ a narcissistic relationship, just think of all the other things we can do with our time!

    Thank you for doing such good work guiding people through a painful process and restoring their sense of self-worth, esteem, and safety.


  • Hilary January 27, 2010, 2:48 am

    Hi Lori – good to be here .. good luck with the ebook – it looks as though everything is coming together and you’ll have so much to offer others and learn for yourselves, while giving people an opportunity to help others extract themselves or work round those narcissistic characters ..

    Enjoy the process – Hilary Melton-Butcher
    Positive Letters Inspirational Stories

  • Wendi Kelly~Life's Little Inspirations January 27, 2010, 8:42 am


    I am already enjoying watching the process of hope and change that is spreading through the wildfire you two have created. You are already changing lives.

    Well done! I can’t wait to see how high this can soar!

  • Korin January 27, 2010, 9:12 am

    Wow, this is so exciting! How generous, I can’t wait to read it. Thank you for your empowering mission.

  • Deb Dorchak January 27, 2010, 9:23 am

    @CZBZ: It’s not just women being victimized by this, in fact there are many inside our own camp doing this. In my own experience, the women narcissists are far more subtle and dangerous than the men.

  • Lori Hoeck January 27, 2010, 9:37 am

    Hi CZBZ,
    You are so right about how narcissists suck so much of our lives away from us. They aren’t only vampires, we also carry them around with us for far so long!

    Betsy and I find it heartwarming and humbling to see how people are responding.

    Hi Hilary,
    Thank you for the support and wisdom!

    Hi Wendi,
    I know, isn’t it mind boggling? I’m happy to see the reactions and know that many more will be helped.

    Hi Korin,
    Thank you for dropping in and being so supportive!

    Hi Deb,
    Yes, there are women narcissists — and women who enable their own narcissists. I’ve dealt with the latter, and they are as skilled at adjusting reality and rationalizing as their narcissist. Yet another topic Betsy and I could tackle!

  • Eliza January 28, 2010, 5:35 am

    I still like my original testimonial *grin* But I won’t share it here. I am keeping it under wraps for my eBook review coming up on the February 8th.

    And I could go on and on about the brilliance of the Sirius Ladies, but I will also keep that for my review.

    All this to say, I think I am almost excited as all you ladies about the launch 🙂

  • Lori Hoeck January 28, 2010, 11:38 am

    Hi Eliza,
    Thank you Eliza! I’m so looking forward to your review!

  • Barbara Swafford February 1, 2010, 10:12 pm

    Hi Lori,

    I’m sitting here thinking how excited you and Betsy must be as tomorrow is the day when the two of you will begin to change the lives of anyone who is living in a narcissist relationship, as well as help others understand what was going on in previous ones.

    Thank you for making me a part of the process.

    As you know, I wish you great success with this endeavor.

    I love how you keep “kickin it”. 🙂

  • Lori Hoeck February 1, 2010, 10:18 pm

    Hi Barbara,
    Yes, we are excited! Still getting all the ducks in a row tonight, but we know all the work will be very well worth it.

    Thank you for your constant and generous support!