Wow. I had no idea how powerful a response I would get on this site about people’s desire to know more on emotional predators.
Just so everyone knows, I write about this from a five-year study into the subject and from personal experience, not from an academic or medical or counseling point of view. I can tell you, though, that when it comes to the subject of what I call Dark Hearts — “Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt, wore it out, and ain’t never goin’ back again!” (More on this here.)
Unfortunately, Dark Hearts often conceal and camouflage themselves in good deeds, sometimes appearing to “bear good fruits” in their lives. Also, many of us have some dark heart tendencies that get in the way of our relationships as well.
Dark Hearts shift blame easily
So let’s move on to what Christian authors Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend discuss in their book, Safe People — How to Find Relationships That are Good for You and Avoid Those That Aren’t. They write a great deal on the signs of unsafe people. Using their book as a base, plus a wee bit of my experiences, here we go with 25 traits.
Emotional predators, Dark Hearts or unsafe people:
- Put on the air of “having it all together” and will not readily admit failure or weakness
- Value religiosity’s rules or business protocol over spiritual growth.
- Jump to defensive mode readily and frequently.
- Take pride in their own righteousness and rightness.
- May apologize, but it doesn’t mean a real change in behavior.
- Run from their own problems rather than tackling them.
- Demand your trust rather than being transparent and earning it.
- Will blame others rather than take personal responsibility.
- Lie, using subterfuge and deception as tools.
- Are stuck in one level of maturity where growth is not an option.
- Only have eyes for “me, myself, and I” instead of “we.”
- Don’t understand empathy, except to fake it as a tool.
- “Give to get” by being nice or helpful only to expect reciprocation.
- Find out your weakness or fears to manipulate later.
- Are a black hole, working to get time, money, or talent from you.
- Expect you to lend a listening ear and give votes of approval.
- See you as extensions of themselves and resist your freedom.
- Will rarely listen to or respect your “No.”
- Use emotional withdraw to create guilt and compliance.
- Attempt to belittle any version of reality that conflicts with theirs.
- Will use the parental or child role to get what they want.
- Will betray secrets to feel more powerful.
- Can use flattery or sickly-sweet protests of innocence like a stealth weapon.
- Use verbal skills to block or deflect being confronted.
- Impact our lives negatively despite appearing to have some positive effect.
The last one is scary, isn’t it?
I love the way the two authors put it because these next words healed me in many ways:
An unsafe person may make you feel good – yet wound you emotionally. She may make you act better, but hurt your character. And you may think you are being treated well, but she may be hindering your growth. Fruit is about character issues – not symptoms.
The woman who is swept off her feet by an insincere charmer is a good example of this. She feels wonderful: loved, pursued, intoxicated by the attentiveness and flattery of the charmer. Her infatuation may make her more caring for her friends, more patient, and forgiving. Her cup is so full she can give more.
But the reality is that while she feels and acts better, she is in the middle of a fantasy that will someday come crashing down around her. She is not being prepared for a real relationship, in which you deal with the imperfections of yourself and the other person.
Sometimes our friends, our family members — or even we — will take on the aspects of the Dark Heart personality. That’s OK. We are all human. So are the Dark Hearts, they just have a more impacting dysfunction than some other people. If you can check off lots of the above traits when thinking about someone you know, they may be a Dark Heart. Just remember, the key to Thinking Like a Black Belt and avoiding them is knowing Dark Hearts are chameleons and emotional shape-shifters who change their tactics to keep you around so you can always inflate their balloon-selves.
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SIMILAR ARTICLES ON THIS SUBJECT:
- Five traits of a narcissistic ‘crazymaker’
- Three ways a narcissist can take control
- The Blame Game of emotional predators
This is a small portion of what I will be writing about regarding this subject and on this site. I hope you subscribe or return often to discover more about unplugging from emotional predators.
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Thank you for visiting and learning about self defense.
If you think others can benefit, please pass it on!
Lori Hoeck
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UPDATE: To give a better picture of Dark Hearts and their effect on people, I’ve written a short story and a powerful poem at my writing blog LoriHoeck.com.
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Photo Credit Lisamarie Babik
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What a WONDERFUL resource!!! THANK YOU!!!
Seeing these traits listed here together helps to provide a wonderful “sketch” of the emotional predator a.k.a Dark Heart.
The one that I constantly see in my “internet travels” is “Demands your trust rather than being transparent and earning it.”
I knew it was a warning- however until I saw it in this list, I didn’t realize how SERIOUS a danger it presents – especially when combined with the final one – “Impacts our lives negatively despite appearing to have some positive effect.”
So many internet predators who promise easy success and instant wealth really “fit” this description – I just hadn’t assigned this “severe” of a label – which is obviously well deserved!
Thanks for a great EYE OPENING post!!!
Hi Kathy,
Thank you for your comment! I’m glad you dropped by.
I should note that some of the traits listed also apply to certain car dealers and hard-sell or smooth-sell operators For example: Will rarely listen to or respect your “No.” I don’t know if that makes them automatically Dark Hearts or just good at manipulating. In either case, it’s always good to just have an eye out for the red flags that come up when dealing with people.
Okay, so what about my first husband, the used car salesman?
Seriously, my second husband (and yes, I am married now for the last time to a wonderful, normal person) got like 10 out of your list. Ick, ick, ick.
Only through a lot of self-reflection did I come to realize that strength, or maybe better their perception of your strength, attracts these types like moths. And it’s because of their own insecurity and neediness that they suck you dry like vampires. If you’re vulnerable in any way due to your OWN insecurity (and face it, we’re all insecure on some level), they have a homing instinct for it.
If there is anything we can teach our children, it must be to avoid this type of person like the plague! Not easy when it’s a parent, though. Ultimately, we have to put ourselves and our needs for healthy, loving relationships first, despite that we’ve been taught that selfless giving is an ideal. What a mess! Thanks for another great post, Lori. Awesome!
Hi Lori,
Ironically, as I was reading the 25 traits, it reminded me of how those who are addicted to drugs also exhibit some of these traits, too. I don’t know if drug addiction creates a dark heart in others, or if it was always there.
Looking back on dark hearts I’ve met in my life, I always remember thinking of how they made such a great first impression – saying and/or doing the “right thing”. As I mentioned in an earlier comment, it’s like they weave a web, and if we’re not careful, can easily become entrapped.
Thank you for putting all 25 traits together in one list. It’s a real eye-opener, and scary, too. All the more reason for us to use caution, both on and offline.
Hi Betsy,
Glad you found the second one! Ten on the list, eh? Ouch and ick! Neediness or insecurity is a life-suck, isn’t it? I covered that a lot at my previous blog, SpaceAgeSage.com.
Hi Barbara,
You are so right about the powerful first impressions, the web weaving, and then entrapment of Dark Hearts. There is soooo much to write about, including the “seduction” phase. Get this — I know someone who uses one or more of 30 different techniques to be the verbal victor in any discussion. I’ll be covering these things as well as I discuss the not-so-fun and fascinating world of Dark Hearts.
I have/had the same T shirt. Each time I gain a bit of wisdom on how to protect myself against emotional predators, I burn a part of the shirt. The prevalence of such people is astonishing. A good thing is to recognize when and how you are “most vulnerable” to their tactics.
Karen
Hi Karen,
“Each time I gain a bit of wisdom on how to protect myself against emotional predators, I burn a part of the shirt.” What a healthy way to put it! Thank you for commenting.
“…Dark Hearts are chameleons and emotional shape-shifters who change their tactics to keep you around so you can always inflate their balloon-selves.”
Touche. I have already met several of them in my six months of blogging. And boy, you are right – your 25 list of traits describes their modus operandi. You’re spot on, Lori.
Hi Jan,
I’ve only met these Dark Hearts in person, but I’m sure they feed online as well!
Hi Lori – The last one is very scary. I had a so called friend who was like that. It took me a good long time to realise how much she was harming me.
Hi Cath,
It does seem to take us awhile to wake up sometimes, doesn’t it? I hope my blog articles help people see the signs earlier and thus avoid a lot of emotional harm.
Lori,
I just ended a “relationship” (if you can call it that) with a cyber narcissistic. He fit about 23 of the 25 archetypes you mentioned. He would troll blogs looking for victims and he always picked the same kind of woman. Successful, rather well known in her field, one who had made it publically known that she had had horrific experiences in previous relationships AND she always had to live far away. Distance prevented the possibility of any kind of closeness or empathy. And he was a workaholic. His ridiculous schedule (and the exhaustion that always followed) did their share to thwart those things as well. He kept promising we’d meet, but it never happened. He took–he never gave. He lied about sedning me things (cards, gifts…flowers) and then when they never arrived, always claimed they got lost in the delivery process. The odds of this happeing to everything he ever sent were a billion to one). He lied about other thigns as well, prefacing every lie with a belabored, “Uh…..”
I was suspecious the entire time, but my neediness and hope that he’d change (silly on my part) kept me there. But I initiated the last break up because I’d had enough and found out that in the last few months, he got bored with me and found another gullible, needy blogger to manipulate. I’ve since found out he’s done and is doing the exact same thing to her and like I was, she’s completely head over heals in love with the same facade I beleived in. She lives about across the country and keeps intimacy away by conveniently claiming that he hates flying and can only travel by train, something his hectic work schedule simply won’t allow him to do.
These guys indulge in love bombing in the beginning to “seal the deal”. My cyber narcissist was flowery and overtly sweet–he appeared to be everything I thought I ever wanted in a man and in a relationship. He was talking about marriage and sent me house plans within the first week of our Internet introduction. Just as you said, he made me delightfully, sophomorically happy. I felt giddy and could’ve sworn, cartoon Bluebirds and Cupids were flying around my head. Then suddenly when he knew I was caught, the romance died. His true colors shone through. We broke up and got back together several times, though in retrospect, I can’t for the life of me understand why he never left when he had the chance. Guess he wasn’t through using me.
These men ( and women, too) are patholigical liars. They often use aliases and have completely fabricated existences. They often have incredible sounding jobs of relevance and importance that just can’t be checked out. They’re CIA agents or political behaviorists or have covert appointments with even more covert agencies or institutions. Mine claimed to be one of the above and then compounded it with claiming to be born and raised in England. He would even use the accent and spelling variations when both were foremost on his mind. He’s sometimes forget though.
He’s a blogger as well (guess that helped him in his hunting prey) and his blog was recently suspended by its carrier for violation of terms and charges of plagiarism. Mine knew just enough about his imaginary field to fool a few people with his feigned expertise. But if you listened to him carefully, you could hear the doublespeak and ignorance.
He’s a loser, a liar and a man who I wasted two years on, but in the end, he taught me a tremendous lesson. I was vulnerable and he knew it and played upon it, but that will NEVER happen again.
Color me educated.
Thank you for letting me rant, Lori.
Best,
LK
Hi LK,
“Color me educated.” Nice way to put it! Now you know the red-flag signs, and I hope many other readers will learn them as well!
{NOTE from Lori: I have left the comment below unedited. I would advise against younger children reading it, but it is a powerful example of emotional predators that needs to be told. I would ask parents to think about reading this with older teens to better arm them against emotional predators in positions of authority and trust. The person telling the story is in her 40s. If the emotional predator mentioned in this comment can prey on older adults, think how easy it is for them to prey on younger people.
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Hi Everyone,
Well, I’ve probably got the biggest one of all!
I met my emotional predator during my 3rd divorce. (yeah…I never learn)..he was my DIVORCE ATTORNEY.
Talk about taking an emotionally vulnerable woman to new heights. He did it all!! He knew ALL my dirty secrets, including the fact that I hadn’t had sex in almost two years. Yes, I fell hard..oh boy, did I fall!
Not only was I going through a divorce, I had just lost my father a few months before, my husband had tried to molest my daughter, and I was homeless for a few weeks when I fled my home. I had EVERY rug ripped out underneath me. He knew it all….and sucked it right up.
During our first meeting, he informed me he ‘fucked’ a client on his desk, the very one he had his feet propped up on! I was flabbergasted. I was also very confused, scared, hurt, vulnerable…and trusting. He was a lawyer, surely a professional of his magnitude could be trusted. I had been referred to him by my chiropractor, whom was a trusted friend. I had only lived in town for five years and I hadnt a need for a lawyer up until that time.
So, I left his office feeling more confused.
During my year long divorce, he trusted ‘private’ personal information to me…such that he was divorced, his ex was a horrible alcoholic and dating his ex best friend. He ‘confided’ in me, making me feel special. I admitted that I missed sex, as I was not the kind of person to cheat on my spouse, nor was I the kind to have a sex friend without having emotional intimacy. I was VERY sexually vulnerable.
At the end of my divorce, he let me know he wanted to see me, calling my cell phone and leaving provocative messages. Then he told me he had noticed during my divorce I had wonderful writing skills and he had a ’story’ that he had always wanted written! It was about him having an inappropriate relationship with a client. He claimed he ‘wrote the book’ on when you could have sex with a client.
I was stupid….niave, at best. I can’t tell you what I was because I was in a different place. It’s been five years since that day happened. I was a ‘good girl’, never exposed to anyone like him before. Yes, I had been married three times, and the last marriage, the one he handled, had been the worst. I was raw. I was in agony. I had been rejected physically, emotionally, and in every other way. I was damaged…and he saw that. He took that, as he had taken so much from so many others, and used it against me.
I read this article and ticked off the aspects of his personality that fit this description. I was amazed. There’s a term for what he is…an emotional predator. I thought I was crazy. I thought in my last marriage I was crazy, but he made me feel even MORE crazy.
I sacrificed my morals, which I won’t go into. I sacrificed my good judgement. I changed who I was and what I thought, how I felt, what I believed in because I was so afraid of being abandoned…again.
Thankfully, I have intelligence and that was my saving grace. That, and my faith in God.
My divorce lingered, even while we we became sexually involved. He told me ‘not to tell’. I didnt.
I wrote his story and he self published it. I’m not going to reveal it because this letter is anonoymous. But, I gave him what he wanted. I gave him his story! And it was all about him, everything!
I have put up with lies, cheating, verbal abuse, mental abuse, and have busted him several times with women. The last time came a month ago.
He’s targeted a woman that is 33yr old. She’s had breast cancer three times, has undergone radiation, lost her hair, weight…and is struggling.
He is 63. I am 48, just so you know.
I happened upon him at a bar with her, as we live in a rather small town. I was on my way to his daughter’s house and happened to see his car at this bar. He doesnt drink, so I strode in.
All you ladies can take heart. I can’t make a choice for anyone else, but I let her know his history. I belted down a glass of red wine, but I spilled the beans in front of him and he ran like a sissy! I told her pretty much ALL the above symptoms that he displayed, including…”He’ll learn your worst fears and use them against you!”.
She claimed to NOT be emotinally vulnerable, but how can you NOT be, fighting breast cancer for the third time with three kids?
My point here is to spread the word, share my experience….creeps like these people are NOT just online or at the workplace..they are actual professionals, too.
yeah…I’m hurt…but I’m strong, and I’ll continue to be…
thanks for the article Lori…thanks for a name for what I went through…I’m no professional either, but reading your article and the response made realize I’m not alone..
thank you….
Hi “Lisa,”
Thank you for telling your story and being a teacher to others who can now learn from your experience. Emotional predators turn the heart and mind upside down and backwards, but I’m glad you are strong, healing, and now aware of the nature of Dark Hearts. They are easier to spot once you name their game.