I love this line in the song by Sara Bareilles King Of Anything: “Who cares if you disagree? You are not me”

I heard this today and had to make it an Independence Day song for those dealing with (or done with) their narcissist, crazy maker, unsafe person, or emotional manipulator. Here’s the link to the video.

VIDEO:  Sara Bareilles KING OF ANYTHING

{Excerpts from the lyrics. NOT THE FULL SONG.}

You’ve got opinions, man
We’re all entitled to ‘em, but I never asked
So let me thank you for your time, and try not to waste anymore of mine
And get out of here fast

I hate to break it to you babe, but I’m not drowning
There’s no one here to save

Who cares if you disagree?
You are not me
Who made you king of anything?
So you dare tell me who to be?
Who died and made you king of anything?

You sound so innocent, all full of good intent
Swear you know best
But you expect me to jump up on board with you
And ride off into your delusional sunset

You’re so busy making maps with my name on them in all caps
You got the talking down, just not the listening

————–

I don’t have to tell you, but you can decide “it is your turn to decide.”

Photo: Kalyano2

Optical illusions play with what we see. Gaslighting plays with what we think is real.

As I explained in my last post, Gaslighting is the use of psychological and manipulative abuse or intimidation to make other people doubt themselves or their version of reality.

If the Gaslighting is done by a full-fledged narcissist or other well-practiced, toxic individual, then look out! They can play a verbal game that will leave your head spinning — unless you know their game.

Proficient Gaslighters work their way up to full alterations of reality. The following three examples would only work on someone who values the person talking and wants to please them and get their approval:

“Only my ideas are valid.”

“There is only one way — my way — to run this company. I tried other ways (insert a long-winded, well-rehearsed story that *proves* his reality)…I know you think you have the right angle on this, but I did it that way, and it never worked…You are too inexperienced to understand. I’m just trying to help you avoid looking like a fool. Plus, I will not let this company be hurt by your attempts to change it for the worse.”

“I’m not what they say I am.”

“Why of course I’m not like that — your family is all wrong. They just want to separate us and control you. Didn’t they tell you they can’t stand me? Besides, Honey, don’t I love you in all the right ways? Sure, I do a little meth, but lot’s of people do and that doesn’t mean I’m mean…I only struck you once when I was drunk and mad at our neighbors. You can’t blame me for than, besides you promised never to bring it up again. I love you so much I can’t stand it sometimes… No, I don’t think counseling will help. Those guys will put their nose in my business. You know I don’t like that. We will be fine just you and me, you’ll see.”

“Your efforts are never enough.”

Why didn’t you volunteer to come in this weekend and work on the convention booth preparations?…Don’t you know others are looking to you for leadership and when you bail on something this important you look bad? You don’t want others to think less of me, this company, or you, do you?…What kind of signal does it send that your staff will come in, but you won’t?…It doesn’t matter that you think they are OK with this. It’s about perception…Of course they’ll say it’s alright for you to go to you aunt’s funeral, but you know deep down inside you need to be here for your staff or you aren’t being a good leader. And you know, I value leadership when it comes to promotions.

Gaslighters can be relentless when they invest fully in a certain *reality* and when they are a powerful person, emotionally engaged with you, or have authority over you. One way to handle the person is to set boundaries. Some examples of general boundary setting are here.

Best strategies against this:

• Be aware that Gaslighting does exist and being on guard against it.  (Don’t think, “She’d never do that to me.”)
• Realize you do matter! Your opinion, your worth, your perspective, and your choices are not for someone else to dictate. People pleasing isn’t a virtue.
• Find other people who can give you a different view and listen to them. (If many people think your boyfriend is abusive, listen to them!)

If you have any specific ways a Gaslighter has tried to manipulate your reality, please leave them in the comment section so we can all know more about this subject!

UPDATE: You may also want to read this ezinearticle.com written by Trish Lambert, “Have You Been Gaslighted Lately?”

Thank you for visiting!

I offer free information on the abusers and users known as narcissists here.

Lori Hoeck

Photo: D’Arcy Norman

One of the most diabolical emotional abuses is Gaslighting. Ever heard of it? I hadn’t heard it named until I read a comment by a reader named Deborah a few months back.

Gaslighting according to Wikipedia, “is a form of intimidation or psychological abuse in which false information is presented to the victim, making them doubt their own memory and perception.”

The term derives from the 1938 stage play Gas Light…The plot concerns a husband who attempts to drive his wife to insanity by manipulating small elements of their environment, and insisting that she is mistaken or misremembering when she points out these changes. The title stems from the husband’s subtle dimming of the house’s gas lights, which she accurately notices and which the husband insists she’s imagining. ~Wikipedia

A few years ago, I was explaining to a boss something a client had told me. As I spoke, he rolled his head and eyes in his best, “Oh, Lori,” put-down body language.

He insisted “You are just being too sensitive” and “You are being too defensive about all this.” He argued for his version of what happened even though I kept telling him, “You weren’t even there.” He implied he knew my reactions better than I and that I was wrong. Finally, he switched to his cold, angry voice and verbal intimidation. How dare I question him?

You may know someone who “corrects” your choices or viewpoints (”You don’t want to read that book. It’s nonsense.”) or who makes up stuff about you to others and then lies to your face about it (”You are mistaken. Why would you make something like that up?“) Perhaps they act like all’s well in the midst of a relationship difficulty (“Why are you always upset?”) or blame you for everything (”If you loved me you’d stop this line of questioning.“)

• You feel sabotaged but can’t explain it.
• You’re the one “needing” to apologize.
• You second guess yourself and feel a lot of draining confusion.
• You constantly feel like you have to prove yourself.
• You shoulder a lot of the blame in the relationship.
• Guilt follows you no matter what you do.
• It’s often implied you are inconsiderate, disrespectful, or too sensitive.
• You often defer to the other person’s take on a situation or matter.
• Life feels out of whack, but you can’t pinpoint the cause.
• As you think back, you remember being more carefree and confident.
• Lying seems easier to avoid drama or explanations.
• You feel you can’t defend yourself verbally or emotionally anymore.
• You find yourself accepting weird or bad behavior in the other person as normal.
• Confrontation with the other person has them offering a reasonable explanations and making you feel bad for questioning them.

Gaslighters feel so insecure, they are compelled to make you think they are right and get you to accept their version of reality, even if this shifts blame to you. Those on the receiving end often respect or admire this person and try to desperately seek their approval.

If you are in the middle of this kind of relationship, you are going to feel raw and drained. Please remember:

• You are valuable and no one has the right to tell you otherwise.
• You don’t have to prove yourself to anyone.
• Know you aren’t crazy. They are the crazy makers.
• Talk to healthier people about your value to them.
• Learn to recognize and let go of your need for approval from anyone.

I plan to write more about how to avoid and recognize Gaslighting. I’d love to have some ideas from readers. Please leave some thoughts about this in the comments!

My second post on this subject, “Gaslighting makes you question reality,” can be found by clicking here.

UPDATE: You may also want to read this ezinearticle.com written by Trish Lambert, “Have You Been Gaslighted Lately?”

–

Thank you for visiting!

I offer free information on the abusers and users known as narcissists here.

Lori Hoeck

Photo: Lady-bug

——

In an effort to combat spam, comments are closed on posts older than 90 days. If you’d like to join in the conversation, choose a current post from the list in the sidebar. I apologize for any inconvenience this may cause.

“I wished I had this
information years ago.”

Easily a dozen people who’ve already taken a sneak peek at The Narcissist: A User’s Guide have said those words to my co-author Betsy Wuebker of Passing Thru and me.

I’ve said them myself. So has my husband.

• Who wouldn’t want a guide to steer them away from a nasty, drama-filled relationship?
• Who wouldn’t want to know why certain relationships are so maddening and draining?
• Who wouldn’t want to thwart others from verbally and emotionally bullying, belittling, and brow-beating them?

Betsy and I have endured our respective narcissists and survived to tell and write about it. Now we offer our hard-won, passionate, and “rueful” wisdom, as Betsy calls it, for free as an ebook.

You can learn more information here or jump right to the download page.

Here are what what two others online writers say about The Narcissist: A User’s Guide:

I read The Narcissist: A User’s Guide.  I started it and I couldn’t put it down… At 29 pages long, it is a crash course in narcissism, but it touches on everything someone about to make the jump to emotional freedom would want to know…The value of the advice given is that it is aimed at making a positive change in you, rather than dwelling on the person with the disorder.  It is taking control of what can be changed and accepting what cannot.
“OAD”
One Angry Daughter

——

If you’re dealing with a narcissist right now, this ebook is a must. It will show you that you are not alone, that you are NOT crazy, and that there ARE ways to cope with the narcissist in your life – including leaving them, and learning to avoid entering into a new codependent relationship in the future…I’ve read many self development books and ebooks, and this is by far one of the most empowering guides I have ever come across. Highly recommended!
Vered DeLeeuw
Momgrind.com

You owe it to yourself and your children to arm yourself with this potent version of narcissists’ Kryptonite! You can learn more information here or jump right to the download page.

Follow us on Twitter:
@lorihoeck
@betsywuebker

The Narcissist: A User’s Guide has a Facebook page with a discussion area and a Squidoo lens.

Landing after bo-supported side kick

When I started this website last May, it revolved around the launch of my first ebook, Think Like a Black Belt: Take Charge of Your Own Safety. (My second ebook on narcissism is now available.)

Both the  first ebook and blog came about because I looked at my own personal safety and realized it would be a rare day that I’d have to use my 3rd degree black belt skills.

Why?

Self defense against criminals, bullies, and predators is often more about relationship than combat. Muggers, rapists, and con artists cast their eye for a certain type of person they think they can control on some level.

To avoid their radar and control, I use the power of body language, intuition, awareness, a strong voice, boundary setting, pattern recognition, response vs. reaction, and a whole host of other non-martial arts skills

You can discover these for yourself. I write about them in my ebooks and on this site.

Yes, taking a violence prevention session or a combat or martial arts class is fun, fulfilling, and fitness-building. You will learn much, so I recommend them.

But until then, check out my best-read articles:

Most Popular Articles

What you can do about a shooter in the building, Part One

What you can do about a shooter in the building, Part Two

Getting to know your intuition

How our intuition warns of danger

Signs and traits of emotional predators

Mental Toughening and Awareness Building

What color code are you today? (Developing Vigilance)

Distractions help movie heroes and self defense

Why you need to learn street cop body language

Stop panic — three ways to unfreeze

Karate yells: Bogus or big help in self defense?

Narcissists, Emotional Predators, Dark Hearts

Signs and traits of emotional predators

Three ways a narcissist can take control

Five traits of a narcissistic ‘crazymaker’

The Blame Game of emotional predators

Defense Against the Dark Hearts

Basic Self Defense Moves

Mythbusting and self defense (Self Defense Made Easy)

The key to using keys in self defense

Self defense against a front hair grab

Self Defense with ‘Heel Palm Strike’

Intuition

Getting to know your intuition

Intuition — first self defense weapon of choice

Intuition will save your life – can you access it?

—

Thank you for visiting.
If you think others can benefit, please pass it on!

Lori Hoeck

Design: Sirius Graphix

Narcissist as abuser — when the charm turns to harm

In the ebook Betsy Wuebker of PassingThru.com and I co-authored, The Narcissist: A User’s Guide, we write about detecting, avoiding, and handling a narcissistic relationship.

But there can be an even more abusive and twisted side to narcissism that Betsy and I only touch on in the book.  One of the three personal stories we include in our ebook describes this chilling side of narcissism. The writer is Lori Newman, author of a book on her battles with narcissists to protect herself and her children “Here All Along.”

“Secrets”

Secrets – he was all about making sure no one knew what went on behind closed doors.

He drank a lot that night, but he always drank a lot at night, and he continued to drink until he had passed out. I found him still holding his beer, on the couch in front of the TV.

The last time I found him in this position and did nothing, he told me, “Why would you just leave me there; you think it’s funny?”

So that evening I knew it would not be wise to leave him there again to sleep it off. I took his beer from his hand and tried as best I could to get him to stand and follow me to the bedroom. He awoke for a moment and began lifting his hand to his mouth as if taking a drink from his beer. I got him to stand and managed to help him stumble into our room.

I awoke several hours later to hear someone banging into the walls and mumbling to themselves how crazy the walk to the bathroom had been. Then he passed out on the floor and didn’t move. I got up to make sure he was still breathing. That’s when the smell of what he had done fully hit me. He had been standing in front of my closet with the door opened believing he was in the bathroom.

The next morning when he awoke and found himself on the floor, he got up and asked what had happened. He laughed as he left the room, telling me, “Have fun cleaning that up.” He took a shower and left.

“Make sure that’s cleaned before I get back,” he told me.

No apologies, no offer to help, just letting me know I had a timeline to get my own shoes and clothes cleaned up. A few months later, I shared this story with a friend. She, in turn, told her husband, who then laughed as he teased my husband about his midnight mishap.

I came home one day to find my husband in our yard swinging a golf club. He wasn’t supposed to be home from work for another four hours so I knew something was wrong.

“Do you think you are funny?” was the only question he had asked me.

I saw his eyes go black, and I knew I was in trouble. I ran for the house but heard him close behind me. I tried to lock myself in our room, but I wasn’t fast enough. He pushed me onto the bed and put a pillow over my head and explained, “No one laughs at me.”

• This is how the narcissist works—it is always the fault of others for why they cannot succeed.
• This is how the narcissist works—no one is more important than they are.
• This is how the narcissist works—no one is ever truly worthy of their love.

—————-

Some narcissists can fit so well into society, it’s often hard for those outside their influence to see or believe the nature of their power and control. Much of their abuse is verbal or emotional abuse, but they can and will step over the line into physical abuse if their false or balloon self sees that as an option.

—

Thank you for visiting.
If you think others can benefit, please pass it on!

Lori Hoeck

Photo: Casey Fleser

I took the verbal bitch slapping and emotional manipulations of a narcissist in a business setting for a number of years. I wanted to leave, but part of me said I would be a quitter if I did, so I stayed for months on end, hoping things would get better.

They never did.

Every attempt to set boundaries was met with disdain and anger. Every new suggestion was shot down or sabotaged. Every attempt to withdraw from the relationship created another firestorm of drama.

I felt powerless and used with no way out. I couldn’t separate his induced sense of guilt in me from my self image. Back then, I would have given anything to have a resource to explain what was going on and give me some answers.

EMOTIONAL NINJA
I didn’t realize at the time a narcissist is like an emotional ninja. They appear normal in so many ways, but when it comes to controlling the relationship, they quickly rise to the top. Their greatest weapon is the ability to read your weaknesses and turn them against you without appearing to do so.

Until now, it’s been hard to find practical, actionable ways to see through their crazy-making ways and deal with them.

I’ve tried to write about them here at Think Like A Black Belt, but I always felt like I’d  just scratched the surface. Thankfully, one of my readers kept leaving awesome comments that showed me she understood the wily ways of narcissists, too.

POWER COLLABORATOR
After a few emails, Betsy Wuebker of PassingThru.com and I became collaborators on an ebook  The Narcissist: A User’s Guide. Energized by our passion for the subject, we tackled a host of topics in the ebook, including

• What creates a narcissistic personality?
• Why can involvement with a narcissist hurt you?
• What are common indicators?
• Questions you can ask someone to help determine if they are a narcissist.
• Why are narcissists so hard to deal with?
• Why are narcissists so effective at what they do?
• What can I say to set a boundary with a narcissist?
• Is the price of caving in worse?
• Why does it seem narcissists crop up more than once?
• Why do some people seem immune to narcissists?

AWESOME GIFT
In the “things just keep getting better” category, Betsy and I were blessed to have our ebook professionally designed by Deborah Dorchak of Sirius Graphix at no cost to us. Deb writes about this wonderful and serendipitous collaboration at the Sirius Graphix website. (And you must read her take on narcissists: “Sith Lords in the Real World.”)

I can tell you first hand, Sirius Graphix understands the meaning of collaboration. These four women started out by pooling their skills together and now they’ve continued that tradition by reaching out to others in the same way.

This ebook sparked the idea for their program called “Sirius Inspirations”. Once a month for this year, Sirius Graphix will choose an author who needs a boost to get their ebook out on the web and help them with everything from design to marketing.

The Sirius Ladies understand business, but more importantly, they understand people and how to make a client’s dream come alive.

BEYOND EXPECTATIONS
Betsy says she started this project thinking it would be wonderful if it helped just one person. (Her side of this wonderful story is What Goes Around, Comes Around.)

We’ve already gone way past that with just our sneak peeks of the ebook to family, friends, and online colleagues.

Here’s one person’s reaction after reading the ebook:

I had two narcissists in my life. The first one lasted 16 years, the second one 6 months. Seems I am learning to identify their existence in my life, and impact, faster. But, I sure wish I had the The Narcissist: A User’s Guide during these painful periods.

Recovering from the damage of these relationships was slow, and I thought I had wiped the last trace of their impact on my psyche clean away. But, when I read The Narcissist: A User’s Guide, each word leaped off the page at me and flooded me with relief.

It was like the Roberta Flack lyrics, “strumming my life with his finger,” only Betsy and Lori were strumming my life with their words. They confirmed that everything I experienced was very real. The damage to my psyche was very real. And the length of time it took to recover was very real.

I recommend The Narcissist: A User’s Guide to anyone who suspects they are dealing with a narcissist. You will learn, like me, that you are not crazy. And with this knowledge, you will gain the strength to untangle yourself from the Narcissist trap.

~Eliza Fayle of Silver and Grace

I eventually left the narcissist who’d run rough-shod over my life, talents, and emotions. A final sabotage by him at the deepest levels was the last straw. The peace and calm — translate: lack of drama — that now fills my life is priceless.

That’s one reason Betsy and I make The Narcissist: A User’s Guide a free download. Download our ebook then to have in your hands our version of narcissists’ Kryptonite.

—

Thank you for visiting.
If you think others can benefit, please pass it on!

Lori Hoeck

Dealing with narcissists is never comfortable, logical, or simple. They are drama kings and queens of chaos, confusion, and conflict.

Because they are blind and clueless to their own nature,  arguing — or just talking to narcissists — is like trying to lasso the wind.

Here are a few recent tweets on Twitter I’ve used to explain some of their ways:

Why are narcissists such crazy-makers?

• Their subconscious creates a false ego from which to relate to the world. They are their own avatar!
• Subconsciously real relationships don’t exist for them. We’re all just players on the narcissists stage.
• They create stories, euphemisms, sayings, definitions, rules they hold up as Truth. Their world is false.
• They must talk about themselves & be in control. They want you to just be an ego-stroking entity for them.
• Their charm is false. Contradict them a few times & you’ll feel their out-of-proportion narcissistic rage.
• Their sole subconscious pursuit is to be seen as God’s gift to the world in a certain area or skill set.
• They don’t use language as communication. It’s for hiding, deflecting, avoiding, masking, & manipulating.
• Their conversations & interactions aren’t meant to enlighten, but to confuse, control, & create drama.
• They see personality weaknesses & exploit them as easily as you & I ride a bicycle.

—

Very soon, Betsy Wuebker of the blog Passing Thru and I will explore this subject further in a special project we will unveil in January. As writing collaborators, we draw on our extensive experiences with narcissists to offer you an understanding and insight into them that we’ve not seen online before.

That’s all I’m going to reveal for now. Check back for our grand announcement next month!

UPDATE ON MY TWEETS:

Why are narcissists crazy-makers?

• Their blame-shifting creates defensiveness. Then they belittle the defensiveness: “Why are you so angry?”
• Since they shift blame so well & seamlessly, your guilt/insecurity issues stay raw and over-sensitive.
• They lend you a hand up, then subtlety cut off at the knees to keep you indebted & coming back.
• They give you a metaphorical rug & then keep pulling it out from under you
• They are: blowhards, braggarts, blusterers, brow-beaters, bullies, big-headed, and ultimately bogus.
• They can help you gain certain skills/info/connections, but then forever make you feel beholden to them.
• They are extremely skilled at making anyone under their influence crave their approval.
• They make you feel special & then emotional distance themselves in ways that keep you unsure of yourself.
• They use a judgmental “you’re OK”/”you’re not OK” yo-yoing to keep you off-balance & “blameworthy.”
• They groom people via manipulation (charm/rage combo) to sell their reality/rationalizations to others.
• Early emotional trauma freezes their worldview at that age,making them immature, impatient, inconsiderate.

—

Thank you for visiting and learning about self defense.
If you think others can benefit, please pass it on!

Lori Hoeck

POSTS YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE:

Has a narcissist tried this manipulation on you?
Three ways a narcissist can take control
Signs and traits of emotional predators

Photo credit: Siti Saad

I’ve been thinking of a gift to give everyone for 2010:

• What thank you present can I give my readers that will take you more powerfully into a new decade?
• What gift can I give you to vastly increase your awareness skills and vigilance?
• What can I offer that you can also use to teach the same things to your children?

As my readers know, true self defense is more than just strikes, blocks, and kicks. Self defense is a mindset that must be melded with sharpened street-smarts and an enhanced awareness. So to help you, your co-workers, or your family discover how to do this, I’m offering all the best tips I use in self defense seminars for free in a self defense ebook:

I’m offering my self defense ebook, Think Like A Black Belt: Take Charge Your Own Safety, for FREE.

Yes, Free!
Get it by clicking HERE

(Hey, this is a $19.95 value!)

Inside my e-book’s beautifully presented, information-filled 115 pages, you will discover:

• 15 powerful techniques to spot the bad guys and avoid them
• How to use your own Inner Warrior’s radar system
• A bonus section on specific steps to increase awareness skills

Easy to Learn, Pro-active Self Defense!

I guarantee you will find no fluff inside! It is jam-packed with practical information and actionable tips.

No, you won’t learn how to do a jump kick or knife-hand strike.

Thinking like a black belt means thinking ahead, wearing a wary eye, and presenting yourself to the world in a way that makes you less visible to the criminals and predators who populate your life.

Now you can learn how to do this for FREE!

Free Companion Newsletter

Also included is a unique, companion newsletter that goes beyond my e-book or my website information and articles. Newsletter subscribers will take a journey of discovery into higher-level black belt thinking — the kind that builds inner strength and the mind of a gentle, but savvy, warrior.

Thank you making this site a growing and powerful voice for self defense!

Be sure to invite your friends, family, Facebook folks, and forum groups to come visit for their own free downloaded copy, too!

Pastors, military leaders, workplace bosses, teachers, administrators — yes, even parents — have one thing Dark Hearts or narcissists crave: automatic authority.

The added dimension of authority makes it so much easier to be a narcissist or emotional predator. They feed on the expected deference, relish the ability to control others, and jump at the chance to build ongoing ego strokes.  Their constant quest for personal gratification and attention (also known as Narcissistic Supply) is facilitated by being the one holding the reins to family, workplace, school, military unit, or church.

Their elevated position allows them to

• Bully
  I’m the senior here, wiser and more experienced. Follow my directions and everything will work out just fine. I won’t stand for creativity and new ideas. Just do the work, and you get a paycheck.

• Berate (after being a crazy-maker and blame shifter)
  I don’t like your attitude recently.  If I want an employee’s opinion, I’ll tell it to them!
  

• Belittle
  You told me, when the project started, that you were a bit unsure of yourself.  Now I see why. Haven’t you learned anything? You better shape up, or I’ll put your administrative assistant in charge.
  

• Build
  Enough of the lone guns and lone wolves. This project must come together under my direction. I want people I can trust — people who understand what I’m trying to build here. I want people who care about what is important to me as a businessman and are willing to sacrifice to build it.
  

They can also:

• Sow discord — Pit one person against another so they don’t trust or team-build:
  I shouldn’t be telling you this, but at our last meeting Joe actually made fun of your volunteer work.

• Withhold info — Hoard needed information so that others must ask for it:
  We have to keep a lid on what goes out to others. We can’t have everyone interpreting the data willy nilly.

• Fuel fires — Create drama, and then relish the adrenaline rush of knocking heads and settling things down:
  Stop what you are doing right now. We need to have a meeting over a very important topic, and some of you aren’t going to like it.

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Have you ever been under the thumb of a Dark Heart in authority?

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Thank you for visiting and learning about self defense.
If you think others can benefit, please pass it on!

Lori Hoeck

Photo credit: bixentro